Quotes, Aphorisms, Laws, and Thoughts

This collection of quotes started life in the early nineties for an After Dark screen saver module. The quotes had to be short enough to fit on a 9" Macintosh screen and pithy enough to warrant the trouble of typing them in. People requested copies but, at that time, there was no After Dark for Windows and only Macintosh users enjoyed the collection.

To allow a wider distribution, a slow conversion to a text file was started (there was no easy way of exporting the quotes from After Dark) which in 1997 became this website. It was created using plain HTML which made updating a laborious process. It had a quite a bit of success but interested tapered off as there were no new additions. In 2009 it was revamped to use a MySQL database to provide flexibility, a search option, and to slowly include new quotes found over the last twelve years.

Laws

(Anything in parenthesis can be ignored.)
Seeger's Law

1. Always hire a rich attorney.
2. Never buy from a rich salesman.
Goldenstern's Rules

1. An object in motion will be heading in the wrong direction.
2. An object at rest will be in the wrong place.
Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics

A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Anonymous

After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.
Farnsdick's Corollary to the Fifth Corollary

All generalisations are false, including this one.
Anonymous

Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
Agnes Allen's Law

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
George Carlin (1937-2008)

Eight ninths of everything is hidden.
Universal Iceberg Theorem

If a project is not worth doing at all, it's not worth doing well.
Gordon's First Law

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Anonymous

If you are already in a hole, stop digging.
Anonymous

If you don't care where you are, you aren't lost.
Anonymous

If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper.
Anonymous

If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
Schmidt's Law

If you want to drown yourself, make sure the water is deep enough.
Anonymous

Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
Anonymous

Never insult an alligator until you have crossed the river.
Anonymous

Never play cards with a man named Doc, and never eat at a place called Mom's.
John O'Hara (1905-1970)

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Anonymous

Never spit in a man's face unless his moustache is on fire.
Henry Root (1935-2005)

No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
First Law of Bicycling

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
Weiler's Law

Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
Pohl's Law

Nothing looks as good close up as it does from far away.
The Law of Observation

People will believe anything if you whisper it.
The Whispered Rule

Sweaty feet seldom come singly.
Anonymous

The average person thinks he isn't.
Anonymous

The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
Perkins' Postulate

The solution to the problem changes the problem.
Peer's Law

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
Paul's Second Law

The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
Mr. Cole's Axiom

Them that has, gets.
Iron Law of Distribution

There are no answers, only cross references.
Weiner's Law of Libraries

There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't.
Benchley's Law of Distinction

Thinly sliced cabbage.
Cole's Law

When all else fails, read the instructions.
Cahn's Axiom

When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.
Leibowitz's Rule

When in doubt, give it a clout.
Mechanic's First Law

When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
Anonymous

You always find something in the last place you look.
Boob's Law